paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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