So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
