I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
