just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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