tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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