I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
