and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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