Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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