Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
