woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I lost the right to judge tonight
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
