Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
