My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
