you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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