I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
