Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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