I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
