ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
