So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
