I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
