I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
