barbara walters just said penis...
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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