I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
