She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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