I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
