respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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