Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
