david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He better not be in your backpack
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
