You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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