you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
