sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
