Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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