I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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