i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
