I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
