Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
