Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
