she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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