Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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