You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
