were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so let's talk penis.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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