Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
