when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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