I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
