Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
