I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
