It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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