laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
