So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
