just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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