Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
