Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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