Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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