highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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