Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
