why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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