When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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