I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
