i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
