# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
