My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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