fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
