You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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