Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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